The No Contact Rule- Important Reminders

The No Contact Rule- Important Reminders

I did a Skype coaching session from someone who started watching my videos a few weeks ago. During the session we discovered a key element that was causing confusion about the no contact rule.

So I have some really important reminders of why we do the no contact rule and how to use it effectively.

He sent me an awesome email after my coaching so first I’m going to share that, then I’m going to clarify a few things about no contact.

Hi Craig,

I wanted to give you a very heartfelt thank you for your time with me today.  Thank you

 It's amazing to me how much I, along with others thought they knew about women, relationships and even themselves/myself. That was until I found you.  Your videos have helped me tremendously and I will continue to watch them.  Not just once.   But again and again. 

I have learned so much in this short time and will continue to learn.

Your coaching session today was very effective.  Your words of advice resonated with me.   You helped to put me in a better place of understanding and point me in the direction that I need to be going.

 I watched another 3 videos.

-How to be her mountain

-How to be her Superman

-Be her best option.....

 Along with working on myself to get better, I want to be Christine best option.  I know in my heart that I am her best option. Although my heart aches (with tears in my eyes as I write this), I will work on becoming a better man.  For myself and Christine. I also want you Craig, to be proud of me as I continue to follow your advice. You are very wise, personable, caring etc.  I can feel your passion in what you do and you truly care about the health and happiness of others. Another goal I have is to be able to contact you with a success story.  To be able to let you know that Christine and I have reunited. In the meantime, I will continue to learn and apply and do the things I need to move forward and achieve that goal. Bye for now.

So let me talk about No Contact, why it’s important, and how to use it effectively.

If a woman breaks up with you, I suggest that you tell her, how you love her and want to work things out and to contact you if they change their mind. You aren’t trying to be cold here. You are simply trying to negotiate terms to your liking.

You want a good deal. Anything less than what you want is a bad deal!!! Accepting friendship is a terrible deal. Because you’re not getting what you want.

If you went in to buy a Ferrari and they say here is a 1989 Ford Escort for the same price, would you accept the deal? Hell no. Only accept deals on YOUR terms.

You are the star of your own movie! She is not the star of your movie! There are several reasons for making no contact. If someone breaks up with you, it has to be their idea to get back together.

Now, if you have not told her “Call me if you change your mind”, that’s okay! You don’t want to contact them to tell them that. They will figure it out. You tell them that IF someone breaks up with you.

You’re going to look foolish if you call someone to say hey, I’m not going to contact you anymore, call me if you change your mind.

Aside from using no contact as a way to move on for your life (this video is if you want your ex back and you use no contact).

You are saying I’m moving on with my life and then you DO IT. You cannot initiate contact for any reason.

Why, any form of communication. Likes on any kind of social media, text messages, ANYTHING tells that person you are STILL interested.

A woman is more attracted to men who’s feelings are UNCLEAR.

She MUST be completely unclear that you will ever contact her again. As a matter of fact, you want her to think that she won’t ever contact her again…WHY? Anxiety is the root of desire. The things we are anxious about are the things you desire.

So if you want her to desire you, she has to be anxious that she has lost you.  This is why jealousy works. Because she is afraid she is going to lose you.

Now, here is a very important point. No contact means you do not INITIATE contact. IF and when they contact you, do not ignore them. Now, I would make them wait a while (that will cause their anxiety to rise and want you more) but maybe like the next day.

Remember they dumped you. Now, you were probably doing things to hurt them, make them feel trapped, or had insecure behavior.

But their value of you dropped to the point where they would rather be without you, then try to work it out.

So take your time replying and act indifferent when they message you. You’re happy if you are with her and it would be great to see her, but you are okay if you don’t.

If your ex messages you, most likelyby using the indirect/direct approach.

Some kind of bizarre or confusing text message. But when a woman contacts you ALWAYS assume it’s because SHE WANTS TO SEE YOU.

Simply invite her over to your place to hang out. Tell her to bring over some wine. You want romance to happen.

Forget about talking. No talking about your feelings. There has to be a bit of fantasy to this. Talking about feelings just kills the fantasy for her.

YOU NEED INTIMACY AND DESIRE.

Once you start having sex again, your body will begin to release all the chemicals that make you feel good. Oxytocin, Serotonin.

Then after you have hooked up for a little while her body will release bonding hormones and she will want to be back together.

So remember, no contact is not about ignoring your ex. It’s about getting the relationship on YOUR Terms. It’s about getting them to get anxious about losing you, causing them to desire you again.

We Want What We Can't Have

We Want What We Can’t Have:

This is a topic I’m going to cover in future videos, but today was a good one I thought would be a good one to introducing it.

People often want what they don’t have. Once you get something and have it, the desire to want it goes away.

If you tell me I can’t, then I want it more. Everyone wants what they can’t have. If you take something away from someone, they want it more

I love your videos. Here is my situation: About 6 months ago I started dating a girl who works at an office I must go to every few weeks for work. Anyway, we dated for about 4 months and I really liked her. I could tell that she was a little stand off compared to other more needy women I have dated in the past. I was trying to not act needy and never over pursued her.

We were not exclusive yet and I did not bring up the "relationship" label and was waiting for her to bring it up before we had the discussion.

Craig: Good job so far. People have two major fears in relationships Fear of Abandonment and Fear of Engulfment (being trapped).

One way to make sure that the woman you’re interested in doesn’t feel trapped/engulfed is to let her be the one to bring up commitment and exclusivity.

I had planned a 3 week vacation to travel for just myself before I ever even met her and it was soon approaching. This was after dating for about 3.5 months. We had sex two nights before I left and a good date.

She dropped me off at the airport and I gave her a hug and a kiss and she told me to not be a stranger.  5 days into my trip I texted her and she was a bit short but responsive.

Craig: Okay, sometimes waiting a long time to message a girl can come off a little cold. I’ve been thinking about the phone for setting dates only and I think the stance can be cut back a little. Especially after 3 months of dating and she dropped you off at the airport. I would have probably called her once you got settled into your hotel. But sometimes you have to go with your gut.  I think the major thing is not to contact out of fear or anxiety.

Then she sent me a picture of her and another guy (who I believe was one of her gay friends she never mentioned.)  I responded "new friend?" to which she never responded. Since she didn't respond I did not text her once from the rest of my remaining 3 week trip.

Craig: What is that about? That is just bizarre. If it was just a friend why wouldn’t she have replied? Is she texting you a picture of some new guy? Very weird.

I flew home and saw her at her work about 5 days after I got home, we still had not spoken at this time. I text her it was great to see her and asked when we could hang out.

Craig: Why didn’t you ask her in person when you saw her? You had been dating her for 3 months. My gut tells me you were a little too cold with this girl.

She waited two days to respond and brushed me off and said "maybe next week." I told her to let me know when she was free.

About a week later I saw her at work again and she agreed to come to my house a few days later. But right after she agreed and I left, my friend at her office called and told me she was just talking about going on a date that night with her "boyfriend." I called her immediately and she told me "I wouldn't exactly call him my boyfriend. We met at a party and I'm interested in him and want to see where it goes."

Ouch.

I asked her if her feelings were hurt because I didn't call on my vacation. She said "I wouldn't say hurt, just shocked. And no call to ask me to pick you up at the airport either."

Craig: So I think after you kind of disappeared she figured you lost interest.

I told her I didn't want to get in the way of her and the other guy and to call me if she changed her mind or it didn't work out. I was shocked she could have a "boyfriend" so fast since she was such an avoidant personality. It didn't make sense that she would rush into something.

Craig: People that have their needs unmet for a long time are quick to rush into relationships. They don’t have boundaries. They have the urge to rush into relationships quickly.

I went no contact after I told her to let me know if she changed her mind. Two weeks later she sent me a text saying "I just thought of you when people in the office were talking about your next meeting, good luck haha!" I waited an hour and text her back "thanks, I'll need as much help as possible over there. I assume you have a night to come hang out in my neighborhood this week?"  She never responded to my text, so I just left it at that.

Craig: Right now her interest is lower. But that can change.

It's been one month since the text and just two days ago I saw her at the office for 3 minutes and kept it light hearted. She was friendly and we were laughing and she touched my arm twice but am not sure if she was just trying to be nice because she has to see me at work and I have a small position of power at their office. Obviously I want it to be because was feeling attracted to me but I feel like that would be having a false sense of hope. I have been doing no contact the entire time and will continue to do it but can't get her off my mind. Each time I see her I have a setback, I remain in no contact but I do have to see her for work every few weeks and avoid it as much as possible.

Craig: The reason you want her back so bad is because you are anxious about her. The minute someone is less interested in us its our human nature to want them more.

What are your thoughts? Based on all I have learned in the past few months I can tell she is dismissive avoidant by things I have only ever noticed by dating her compared to other women I have dated. I have no problems meeting new women but this one is hard to let go of, even though there were many actions I did not like that she did that were signs of the avoidant. (Waiting long times to text back, flirting in front of me, spacing out in conversations, always talking about why it ended with the last 3 guys she dated, etc) I would feel more confident about her trying to reconnect if she was a anxiously attached person but I'm afraid since she can cut people off that I'll never hear from her again to try it again.

Craig: I think you’re only really interested in her because she’s a challenge. It’s clouding your judgement. Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone with an avoidant attachment style?

You didn’t even like her behavior. Flirting with guys in front of you? Spacing out in conversations, always talking about why it ended with the last 3 guys.

She’s doing you a favor. You have made relationships about a challenge. I’m not sure how old you are, but it seems like you’re playing games.

Focus on making it about having a great relationship. With someone that is going to be there for you.

I think if you got her would you really even want her? Find a great girl that you can connect with and really enjoy

I'm Jealous Over My Partners Opposite Sex Friends

I’m Jealous Over My Partners Opposite Sex Friends

In this video I’m going to talk about jealousy over your partner’s platonic friends.
I got an email here from a woman who is having a real difficult time accepting that her boyfriend has 2 very close female friends.

I have done numerous Skype coachings with her since the email so I can go a little off the email. This was her initial email and so I thought it would be helpful to you guys.

I want to get right into the email from Michelle: She says Hi Craig, I’m writing to you because I have a really bad problem. I have a very anxious attachment style. I have experienced some pretty severe abuse growing up. I know that it has a serious effect on me on a daily basis. Thanks to your videos I realize I feel disconnected easily and then I have emotional melt downs.

I started dating a guy a few months ago and he has been great. However, he has two long term female friends. He briefly hooked up with one of them for a few months several years ago. He didn’t tell me at first and so I kind of felt like he was hiding it.

She has tried to be my friend and include me in things. We have done group things with her and her kids. I can’t help that

Obviously when you start dating people already have other people in their lives. They have their own past with both men and women.

One of the things that can be challenging someone is the relationships they have with other people

It can be for a number of reasons: Maybe you are jealous of them spending time with them, the level of intimacy that they share, possibly a romantic past.

I have several ex’s that I am friends with. I would never disrespect their relationship.

The problem is that you are insecure. You have serious attachment wounds and trauma. You have difficulty trusting others.

You are hyper vigilant that your partner is going to leave you.

This is more about feeling like your caregivers, the people who were supposed to meet your needs, not taking care of you than him.

Look at his behavior:

Both he and the 2 female friends are making a real effort to be up front, honest, and supportive with you.

Remember what we fear we attract. You are afraid you are going to lose him to her. You are going to cause that to happen.

You have to focus on what you want. You want to keep reminding yourself that you want a great relationship with this person. Focus and remind yourself what can you do to make your relationship better?

You cant control anyone, if they want to be with that person, they will be. You must love your partner in a way that they feel free.

Now, it sounds like your boyfriend is truly invested in you. He hasn’t dated that girl in years (she is and has been single) so they could have if they wanted.

Is it rational and is it likely to happen?

From him There needs to be transparency and Honesty

If he says or does something that you wouldn’t want him to do, you will lose trust.

Your partner must be the one to police himself. I always found it hilarious on Jerry Springer when they wouldn’t blame the cheating partner… they would blame that other person. That other person doesn’t owe you anything. Your partner does!

Don’t be with someone you don’t trust

Your attitude in relationships should always be: If you want someone else, fine by me.

It comes across as secure and confident. It keeps you from doing things out of anxiety and fear.

I Love You But...

I love you BUT…

So many times when someone breaks up with you you’ll hear the excuse I Love You BUT

So this can be very confusing for us. We hear I love you. Often times we think “So what’s the problem?”

If you love me why are you breaking up with me…

Well because in this case, the I love you is just being prefaced to soften the blow.

The real meaning of that statement is whatever comes AFTER the but….

So if someone has just said that to you, really think about what came after the but to know what’s going on.

I got an email here from John who is 34 years old, just had this happen to him and he’s very confused.

He writes: Hey Craig, first of all I just wanted to thank you for your incredible channel and videos. I had been looking around Youtube through the different experts when I stumbled upon yours. After I watched 3 of your videos I began seeing a pattern. Your videos always stuck with me and really helped me gain insight into my behavior. The other guys I would forget what I watched after just a few minutes. You said you were going to get a Donate button up. Where is it???

I haven’t gotten around to it. But I do plan on taking all the donations and putting it into a college fund for my son. So thank you in advance to all who donate.

So the reason I am contacting you is because my girlfriend of 6 years just broke up with me. We have had our ups and downs. I realize now that I have an anxious attachment style. I was controlling with her. I used to get mad if she would go out with her girlfriends, I would text her all the time, and I would get really upset when she needed space.

I see that how that turned her off and made her feel trapped. But we went out to dinner a few weeks ago (right before I watched your videos) I took her to dinner. She told me “I love you BUT I don’t think you’re the man for me”. You’re a great guy but I see you more as a friend.

Your needy weak behavior turned her off. It destroys the polarity. There is no tension if she is constantly acting like your mommy. You need to be a strong, confident, secure man. You want to be her secure base. She comes to you when she needs you.

What you need to understand is when you hear a BUT the important part is about to come. Nothing before the word BUT really counts.

Here are some examples: We think you’re qualified for the job… BUT... I think you’re great… BUT I’m not ready to be in a relationship right now.

The But negates everything you heard.

So if your partner says I love you BUT, know that she’s just going to give you an excuse.

I can’t keep her words out of my head. She seems so sincere when she said I love you. If she loves me than why wouldn’t she want to work it out? I want to be honest, I cried at dinner. I wouldn’t have been able to admit that to you, but because you have opened up about it in your videos I can say it. Do I still have a chance with this girl? Please help.

Okay let’s start with the good news. Always remember that what a woman says is how she is feeling in that moment and a woman’s feelings change like the clouds move across the sky and their interest level rises and falls like the sea.

You definitely have a chance. You were with this girl for 6 years. What you need to do right now is work on yourself. Do not contact her for any reason. Watch all my videos. Trust me. Start at the first one and go through them all. You have to work on your insecure attachment style.

You will feel like a new man. We have our coaching scheduled so that is going to help you a lot.

I got a second email from a guy who wanted to share his success story with me. He says: Hi Craig, I am super pumped and excited to tell you that your coaching helped.

We did 3 coaching sessions together and my life has completely changed. I found you when my girlfriend had broken up with me and I was devastated. But I did as you said and watched your videos day and night for about 2 months.

I started feeling more and more confident. I bumped into the girl I have had a crush on for 2 years one day and asked her out. She said to me “you seem different” I smiled her at her and said “find out for yourself when I take you out”. She gave me her number and went on an amazing date. I have never felt so confident. We hooked up 3 times already and she has been blowing up my phone.

By the way: My ex saw pictures of me and has texted me 3 times already. I said give me a call in another week. I might be free then. I haven’t decided if I will go out with her or not. I’m going to tell her what she told me: I love you BUT: I’m not sure I want to date you anymore.

Why Closure Is Not Important

Why Closure is Not Important

In this video I’m going to talk with you about why closure is not important. I have 2 emails here to share that can help you understand.

Sometimes after a break up, our mind can go back and forth about things. We can replay things in our mind over and over again. We have intrusive thoughts that consume us.

Because we don’t know how to handle the uncertainty we want to force a resolution. This is unhealthy and unnatural.

The best way to handle it, especially if you want the other persons interest level to go up is to give them time and space.

But for many people, especially those of you who have an anxious or avoidant attachment style, you can’t handle the uncertainty of connection. While you are insecure, you want to force it.

In your mind you are probably unconsciously hoping that you can force commitment.

Maybe you believe you can talk to them about the situation. Discuss your feelings. Buy their love or affection with gifts. None of that works!

In theory it sounds great. In movies it looks great. But it does not work. It causes people to lose interest.

Be strong. Forget closure. Here’s why: A woman’s feelings will change like the clouds in the sky and her interest level will rise and fall like the sea.

It’s like you are trying to lock her interest level into place when it’s low. Leave it alone. No talk or conversation has ever done a man good at getting a woman interested.

Email from Jason: Hey Craig, my girlfriend and I have been on again off again for about 2 months. I haven’t heard from her in about a week. I’m sick of waiting around. I want to call her and talk to her about things. I figure if we talk about things we can get on the same page. I would rather work it out, but I want closure so I can move on.

Everything you just said makes sense logically. None of that will cause a woman to be more attracted to you.

This is why men don’t understand women. Although it sounds like a great idea. Communicate like adults blah blah blah. Nope.

You would be far better off posting a picture of you on facebook with another girl. That will make her interest level skyrocket.

Calling her to talk about things won’t cause attraction. Getting on the same page won’t cause attraction. And trying to get closure won’t cause attraction. All it will do secure the end of that relationship and decrease the chances of it ever getting her back.

If you want her back don’t ever contact her again and start posting pictures of your new active social life immediately.

She’ll notice, she won’t be able to stop thinking about you. She will put herself in your orbit (most likely by contacting you about some confusing reason).

Here’s proof: I have a second email here from Omar: Hey Craig, so I just wanted to give you a follow up and a success story.

When I first contacted you I had been going through a break up. My ex was being cold and distant. My anxiety was very high and I had no idea what to do. Thankfully I found your channel and worked with you. I cannot thank you enough. The other coach I had considered wanted me to write a hand written note. I know now that note would have destroyed all chances. What I really wanted to do was to get closure. I had planned on inviting my ex to talk and just close out that chapter and move on. After being honest with myself, and you being firm with me, I realize I wasn’t really trying to get closure but force her into feeling like I was going to move on when I really didn’t want to.

Instead, after talking with you, I followed your advice. I completely left her alone. I went out a few times with some female friends. You were right. Two days after I posted pictures out with some female friends, she contacted me.

She said she was only calling to let me know her pet hamster Muffin had escaped and it took 3 days to find it. Damn dude, you were right on.

Craig: Do you see how ridiculous the excuses are?

I call it the Indirect Direct Approach. They’re putting their toe in the pool. See how you are going to respond.

I talk about this in my video called Surprise! She Came Back Again.

Omar: I told her I’d love to see her and to bring over a bottle of wine. She did, we hooked up and we are now dating again. Had I gotten closure like I wanted, I would not have gotten an update on her little Muffin.

Craig: Plus you found out about her hamster.

I Can't Stop Obsessing Over My Ex (Attachment Trauma)

I Can’t Stop Obsessing Over My Ex- Attachment Trauma

In this video I’m going to talk about why we have obsessive thoughts about our ex. Then I go into an email, and I even talk about why the break up isn’t as painful for our ex.

If you are going through a break up you may find yourself obsessed with your ex.

A break up can be very traumatic.

Physically you hurt. Your chest feels physical pain. You are anxious and sick to your stomach.

You can’t sleep, you can’t eat. All the physical pains are a reminder of your ex.

You may have relentless, obsessive and intrusive thoughts that you can’t turn off or tune out.

You are consumed with your ex.

I got an email here from Jerry who wants to know why. He is going through a break up and having a really difficult time. He writes, Hi Craig, I just signed up for your Skype coaching package. I’m really looking forward to it. I broke up with my ex 2 months ago and I can’t stop thinking about her. I’ve lost 10 pounds. I keep waking up in the middle of the night.

Why does this happen to us. Why is it worse for some people than others?

Craig: Well a lot of it actually has to do with our own personal history and the attachment we had with our caregivers.

If you had a secure attachment style, you’re going to be more likely to go through the loss quickly. You’ve had love your entire life and so you haven’t had a need. You don’t have a tremendous amount of unmet needs.

The break up for you is more about your long history of unmet needs than it is about that person. I wonder how your feelings about the break up would change if I told you tomorrow you would meet a hotter, sweeter, funnier, richer girl.

Think about that scenario for a moment.

Work with me and you’ll be a lot more likely to find the kind of partner you’re trying to attract.

Jerry: I don’t even think she thinks about me. It makes me feel even worse.

Craig: I have been there. Well, she does think about you. But remember, initially she will probably be relieved. A lot of times there is someone else in the background. Remember, a man doesn’t throw away his only pair of shoes.

So initially they are thinking about their new toy. Until it isn’t what they expected. Remember once you get something that you’ve been wanting, you no longer want it.

So if they had secretly been desiring someone and fantasizing about it. Chances are, that other guy will blow it.

As long as you maintain no contact (which I’m not going to get into in this video)

But here is why they aren’t thinking about you or obsessing over you:

1)     She chose to break up. It wasn’t unexpected for your ex. They had been thinking about it for some time.

2)     They were prepared (and who knows how long they have been)

3)     They had control over the situation. You had no say in the matter.

So, if it gets to the point where they don’t have control or feel like they have control. After they are wondering what YOU are doing. Then it starts to hurt them. They feel separation anxiety. Anxiety is the root of desire.

Our connection and relationships to others is the primary way human beings feel safe.  So when we are going through a break up it feels like when we were a child and lost our caregivers. It feels like we are going to die.

Our attachment to our partner is the way we feel safe as an adult. When we lose that connection in triggers separation anxiety and our attachment traumas.

Each break up brings up past break ups. They’re attached like a string of paperclips.

So when your partner breaks up with you don’t feel safe. Your body releases chemicals (probably the same that you would release as a lost child). The brain is perceiving that you are being deprived and going without love

If you had an attachment trauma in your childhood where you weren’t heard. Ignored, neglected. Abandoned.

It’s like you are a child again. You feel those same feelings again. If a trauma is bad enough you can’t separate the past from the present.

The person, the object of your affection, who you had projected getting all those unmet needs from, is now gone and you feel terrified, alone, unloved.

Because we have not made peace with our history of being ignored or neglected

The brain uses the most recent person.

Warning: I don’t feel safe. I don’t have enough love in my life, I don’t have enough emotional connection

When babies develop a secure attachment bond, they are better able to:

• Develop fulfilling intimate relationships
• Maintain emotional balance
• Feel confident and good about themselves
• Enjoy being with others
• Rebound from disappointment and loss
• Share their feelings and seek support

They are able to do all those things better in adulthood as well.

Are you struggling with your breakup? My workbook series will help you grow, change and re-attract your ex. Just click on the link below

The Reason Couples Argue (Ruptured Connection)

The Reason Couples Argue: Ruptured Connection

In this video I’m going to talk explain the real reason couples argue.

This video is absolutely critical to know how to maintain a healthy relationship.

The primary way that human beings stay safe is in our connection and relationships to others. So when we feel connected, when our partner is present with us, we feel safe.

Once we have a ruptured connection. When we feel disconnected (such as being ignored, not heard, unimportant, abandoned) we feel intense physical and emotional pain. We don’t feel safe.

The reason couples argue is because they feel disconnected from their partner, they get anxious and scared, and we are trying to regain that connection.

You have to know how to have the appropriate dialogue with your partner when this happens.  If you don’t your partner will feel more and more disconnected, start to get anxious, scared, lose emotional self control, turn away, and then have an emotional meltdown.

It is a skill and one of the most challenging things is being able to do it in the present moment.

First I have an email from a girl who is beyond frustrated with her boyfriend. Then I have a few examples to see how to do it.

Hi Craig: Thank you so much for your amazing channel. Your videos have been so helpful. I’ve had my boyfriend watch some of your videos (especially the ones about communication with your partner) he doesn’t get it.

Craig: He does exactly what you say men do. He defends himself. Or if I want to connect with him and share he wants to solve the problem.

This is a huge problem for men.

If you can make this one correction to your relationship things will improve tremendously.

Girl: Here’s a recent argument we had. I came home from work and the house was a mess. He had promised me he would clean it. I was already tired from a stressful day at work. Then I asked him if he had made reservations at a hotel we wanted to stay for a weekend getaway. He said he forgot. I told him we hadn’t done anything fun together in a while. He started listing things we had done 3-4 months ago! Can you please explain to him how I was feeling? I know you’ll be able to figure it out quick.

Craig: Okay. So she’s hurt because you didn’t keep your promise to her. So she was already disappointed by your behavior. Then she was hoping you had gotten the hotel reservations so she had something to look forward to. When you hadn’t, it felt like you don’t care about her. It feels like you don’t care about her.

When a woman is saying we don’t do anything fun anymore, don’t defend yourself. It means suggest that we do something fun!

Here’s an example: I’m going to give you the wrong way and then the right way.

For example: We haven’t been dancing in a while. Honey, you know I don’t like dancing. We just went a few months ago when your friend was in town. Why don’t you go with your girlfriends.

Right way: You want to go dancing? Lets go. Do you want us to go alone or with friends?

Here’s another example:

My sister is not doing well. She has to have more tests run. The doctors don’t know what’s going on.

I’m realy worried. She’s had so many health issues for a long time.

Wrong: Well I told you she needs a new doctor. Those doctors are terrible and aren’t helping. You need to make her go to someone new.

Right: I’m sorry sweetie. You seem really worried this time. She has had so many problems you must be worried that things are getting worse. I can completely understand. When my mom was sick, I kept worrying about if she would ever get better.

Reflect, validate, empathize.

When your partner reaches out to you. Make sure they know you are there for them.

If you don’t, when they become disconnected they will get anxious.

They will lose emotional self control and the ability to regulate their anxiety. They will then do whatever they can think of to reduce that anxiety. Control you, manipulate you, yell at you, blame you. Anything to make you get back into the place where they feel connected to you again.

When your partner becomes anxious and then reaches out to you. They want to be comforted

She really is asking to feel connected to you in the present moment

In order to do that,  you need safe dialogue 

This C.A.P.E is an acronym. It stands for Curiosity, Acceptance, Playfulness and Empathy.

Dating Multiple People Helps Manage Attachment Issues/Trauma

Dating multiple people helps manage attachment issues

In this video I’m going to be talking about the benefits of dating multiple people.

For some of you it will help you relax and reduce anxiety during the dating process. Something that I call Courtship Anxiety.

For those of you who have an attachment issues, such as an attachment trauma it can help you stay a little more calm and relaxed

When we start talking to or dating someone new we have a tendency to project our fantasies and unmet needs onto that new person.

It can be unhealthy because you get hooked into by the delusion that you have created and projected.

This puts a lot of pressure and stress on not only the situation, but the other person and ourselves.

Think about a time you started to talk to someone new. When you think of this person, you start to imagine all these great wonderful things about them.

The less we hear from them and the more time that goes between contact, the more we become anxious and desire them more.

Now, in some ways this is a good thing. When we have a delayed gratification to hearing from them and seeing them, we have a bigger payoff. So when we do see them, the chemicals released in our brain are more intense and we start to like them more.

However, for those of you who have attachment traumas or an insecure attachment style often times obsess over the fantasy of this new person. Because you have been neglected for so long. Whatever your unmet needs are feel

I got an email here from Steve who is going though this exact situation. He writes, Hello hello Craig,

Fantastic channel, love your videos. Incredibly insightful! I have really started to learn some things about myself thanks to your videos. I realized that I have a very insecure attachment style. I never realized how anxious I was until my girlfriend and I broke up several months ago. I couldn’t stop thinking about her. I was really obsessed. Day and night. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t eat. I lost weight. My chest hurt, it was awful.

I have become aware that my mother has a very anxious attachment style and her parents were abusive. I am now seeing how it has had a major effect on me in my relationships. I’m often attracted to women who I know are not good for me. I don’t want to get back with my ex, but dating new women for me has been tough. I start to like a girl even before I really know her. I can’t even help it. I tell myself, I don’t know her I have to spend time with her… but my brain starts thinking about us getting married and having kids. Sometimes before the second or third date.

Craig: So I suggest to you considering dating multiple people. Now to what extent you feel comfortable doing so is up to you.

What I’m suggesting is that if you are single, and in the very early stages of dating, at least keeping your options open by talking to several people.

Here’s why: When you have several options. You do not expect that one person to meet all of your unmet needs

It will help keep you from fantasizing and projecting so intensely on one person. Keeps you from getting attached so quickly and projecting

Helps you make sure that this person is right for you. You want to have an abundance mentality. That there are plenty of eligible single people out there looking for the right person.

When you are able to do that, you are with someone because you want to be with them, not NEED to be with them.

Steve: After a date I have a really hard time not over pursuing. After reflecting on my relationships, it seems that the only women that attracted to me are ones that have more anxiety than I do.

So if you were dating multiple people, you wouldn’t have all your hopes and dreams put on this one person. It’s healthier for you to date several people and get to know them. When you date several people you can pick the right person for you objectively and not out of a desperate need.

If you were starving, you would eat anything someone gave you.

But if you ate you would be more selective with your next meal.

During the courtship, as a man, your job is to reach out, extend an invitation

You wait for her to reply. In the meantime, you set up a date with someone else and go out and have a great time.

Keep doing this and take your time getting to know the people you are dating. Make sure they are going to be a good fit for you (they should be doing the same thing)

If one girl does not respond, either move on or wait a week and try again. But you won’t be so stressed when you have other options. You won’t stare at the phone waiting for her to get back to you.

If you make one person the object of your affection. You will begin to project all your hopes and fantasies on this one person.

You are trying to get them to meet all your needs.

You are putting the cart before the horse. The way we connect is by being intimate. Once all the chemicals are released then human beings become attached

You really want to take your time getting to know someone. As soon as you become exclusive, you unconsciously expect that person to meet all your needs.

Because you’ve projected all these lofty expectations on them, you are going to be hurt and disappointed that they can’t live up to all of them.

You Just Might Get Her Back

You Just Might Get Her back!

In today’s video I’m going to go in depth into an email about a guy who has a real shot of getting her back. Now, the reason that his girlfriend lost attraction to him was due to his insecure behavior.

Basically he had been dating a girl for a few months. There was one day where he couldn’t get a hold of her. She told him she couldn’t talk because she was with her family.

He says: essentially when I tried to get hold of her one time she said she couldn’t talk as she was with her family.  But I saw her car outside her house when I was nearby so tripped her up a couple of hours later during a phone call asking her how the drive was to her parents.  She said she rode her bike.  Later she called me out on it at a friends gathering and asked if I had seen her car outside her house.  I said yes.  She said “so you tried to trick me then”. 

Craig: He totally got busted. Of all the questions to try and find out if she was really there I think It was kind of weird to ask her how her ride was to her parents. Why not say how was it?

He admitted he tried to trick her and apologized.

I’m glad you owned up to this. Good job. We all make mistakes. Anxiety causes us to do things like this.

She said that was a red flag because she was always honest with me and therefore couldn’t deal with my insecurity. 

She was right and honest. I appreciate that. You are really insecure.

Him: We didn’t speak for three weeks, then I arranged to meet her alone and she confirmed it was over but wanted to be friends.  I said I wasn’t interested in friendship and suggest she call me if she changed her mind.  She said she wouldn’t.  I walked away and didn’t come unglued.  I have seen her lots of times since then in our shared group of friends.  Sometimes she avoids talking to me, other times she is really friendly.

Craig: She’s probably conflicted. Sometimes she’s attracted to you, sometimes she remembers the insecure and needy behavior. If you continue to display strong confident behavior her attraction level will go up. She will then just justify in her mind what you did, minimize it, or her attraction to you will be high enough to ignore the red flags and go for it.

You want passion and her natural attraction to get her to overlook those things. The way that’s going to happen is by giving her time and space. She needs to wonder about you.

I think you have a really solid chance of getting her back. When she puts herself in your orbit, simply arrange a time to hang out. Invite her over or take her to do something fun. No talking about what happened. No talking about feelings or wanting to work things out. Just have fun with her. Something like an activity where you are doing something. Go Karts or Laser Tag. Something where the focus isn’t on talking about the past.

Hey coach,

I was dating a girl for two months and then she ended it owing to an insecurity i had carried over from a previous relationship i.e. trusting another. 

I agree with this, but it’s not the relationship you are thinking. While Im sure your ex did cause some type of trauma to you and trusting others, I would really explore your early childhood. I think you’ve got some anxiety going on. You are hypervigilant on being anxious that she is going to abandon and leave you. That’s why you went past her house.

In my opinion, you probably have had an attachment trauma (which is probably why you have an anxious attachment style). I can completely understand. It seems to me that when you project all your feelings onto her being the object of your love and meeting all your needs you become overwhelmed with anxiety and fearful that you will lose that.

Now, because she may have an avoidant attachment style, she probably is more distant at times. When you pick up on that, it triggers your anxiety and fear that she is going to leave you. Then comes the obsessive thoughts.

It turned out she was actually telling me the truth about something i challenged her on so i totally screwed up. 

Craig: Are you really certain of that? Maybe your gut was telling you something for a reason?

Him: Anyway we met for a chat about it and she said she still wanted to be friends as she likes spending time with me.  I replied saying being just friends wouldn't work for me and to call me if she changes her mind.  She said she would never change her mind. 

A woman will always say that they aren’t going to change their mind in that moment. If they thought they were going to change their mind, they wouldn’t break up with you in the first place.

Craig: Also, remember, that is true for that moment. So what she is essentially saying is. In this moment, there is nothing you can say or do to change my mind.

Some guys make the mistake of trying to change her mind in that moment. You all of a sudden act like a used car salesman desperately trying to push someone into buying someone. Don’t treat yourself like a used car. Act like you’re a Ferreri. Have the internal attitude that if you don’t want me, plenty of other people will.

So i walked away and didn't plead. Great job!

Him: The difficulty with implementing no contact is that we share the same social circle of friends.  We actually met this way in the first place.  I managed to avoid most of the social events i knew she was attending for about two months after the breakup but I started attending again as i was missing out on fun times with my friends.  Over the last two weeks when the ex and I have interacted at these social gatherings she was very flirty; playing with her hair, making physical contact such as nudges, throwing me flirty looks across the room, and teasing me. 

Craig: All excellent signs!

Him: After one of those occasions I asked her out on a date again but she turned me down saying it would not be a good idea as she is still attracted to me and couldn't trust herself. 

Craig: That means she is still attracted to you, but she isn’t sure she can trust you to have emotional self-control. Remember, women need to feel safe with a man. They can’t feel safe with someone who loses emotional self-control. I would say if you work on your anxiety, and follow my instructions, she will likely come back in time.

Him: She didn't want to get involved again as she doesn't think it'd work out long term.  I said can you not just go with the flow and see how it goes? but she replied saying she is really stubborn and would not change her position on that.  I said ok, if you change your mind let me know. 

Craig: Great job. You always want to act indifferent. You’re awesome if you have her, you’re just as awesome if you don’t.

 Him: A week later we were out again and she was dressed very sexily (almost like it was for me as by now she knew i fancied her still) and again was very flirty; smiling at me a lot, winking, mimicking my movements, playing with her hair and teasing again.  She also sent me a text saying "stop thinking about my ass". 

Craig: Dude this was it! You have to seize this opportunity! You are killing me. Say something playful! Flirt back with her.

Him: So the next day i asked her out again, and again she turned me down.  You waited too long! She puts herself in your orbit and said stop thinking about my ass. That means, I like that you’re thinking about my ass.

Craig: I want to shake you right now. It’s okay, I get it. Next time, jump on it… Literally

Him: She said there is obviously physical attraction there but she still didn't think it would work out.  Now she said she is going to avoid me until she can keep a lid on her attraction for me and not give off the signs.

 Craig: Yeah, in this moment that’s how you feel. Just be cool and relaxed around her. Let her come over to you in social settings. Be friendly, but not TOO friendly. A little mysterious and aloof. You want her to wonder if you still like her. This is critical!!!

 So three questions:

1-     Should i just let her go and see if she contacts me? 

Absolutely. She is attracted to you, and you are going to see her around your friends. When she puts herself in your orbit, it means she’s interested. Until then, be friendly, but let her come

2-     Regarding my group of friends, if i know she is going to be attending more gatherings in the future (I'm not attending the next two she is at), should i avoid them?  the problem is that if i don't go, my social life takes a dive and i miss out and i really value these friends.  But I also understand if she sees me at these occasions, she might not miss me? It a dilemma!

 Go out with your friends as you normally would have planned (regardless if she was going to attend or not). During the next 2 events, if you are in the group text. Simply reply “thanks for the invite but I have plans”. The curiosity of what or who you are doing will make her anxious and want you more.

 3 - We are all in group chat on WhatsApp.  Should i avoid replying to the group messages from now and go quiet so she can start missing me?

Craig: During the next 2 events, if you are in the group text. Simply reply “thanks for the invite but I have plans”. Be a little mysterious in the group chat, but not completely gone. The curiosity of what or who you are doing will make her anxious and want you more.

I think it would be even more powerful than not replying to your friends.

I think you have a really solid chance of hooking back up with this girl. Just be cool and confident and let her come to you.

 Now, more importantly than her is you. I think you have some anxiety going on. That is going to hurt all of your relationships.

 I highly suggest you watch all of my videos with attachment style (anxious/ avoidant) in the title.

Is She Playing Hard To Get?

Is She Playing Hard To Get?

 In today’s video I’m going to talk about playing hard to get.

I’ll get into why people do it and then I’ll give some tips for figuring out if they’re playing hard to get, or just aren’t interested.

 People usually get frustrated and wonder do other people play hard to get? Simple. It works. It works for several reasons.

When someone plays hard to get with you, It causes anxiety. As I explain in other videos, anxiety is the root of desire.So when someone takes a while to respond, it triggers our anxiety, and causes us to desire them more.

 The essence of romance is Uncertainty. I always talk about if I condensed romance into a picture. It’s the He Loves me, He Loves me not.

 We have to balance a fine line. If we come on too strong or appear too eager, they flee and run away like they’re getting out of Shawshank.

Here’s another interesting fact. In Helen Fishers book. She writes: Early acquisition of a reward reduces the duration of intensity of dopamine activity in brain

Delay in winning stimulates. In other words, playing hard to get excites a suitor

So if you were a prize on a game show, playing hard to get would make you go from a Toyota to a Corvette. You become a bigger prize

This is why I talk to you guys about taking your time getting to know someone. This is why I say to take out a girl once a week.

When you come on too strong and too fast, it makes you less valuable. If she saw you as a Corvette at first, now you become the Toyota.

I got an email from who says: Hey Craig, I could really use your help. I get really confused about when a woman plays hard to get. I went out on a date with this girl and we had an amazing time. She came back to my place and things got pretty intense. We didn’t have sex, but did everything else. I really liked her and it was the best date I had in a long time.

I texted her back the next evening around 9 pm and she didn’t reply. I called the next day and she texted back saying she would call me the following day.  I find myself thinking about her more. But I’m not sure if she has just lost all interest in me.

We talked that day and it was a good talk. She said she was a little disappointed that I waited until that next night to hear from her. I told her that I don’t usually text women the following day. She was honest and said she doesn’t like to play games and we had a good talk about it.

I tried to set up plans but she said she might be going out of town. She said she would call me the following day to let me know. She didn’t call so because we had an honest talk with her about playing games I called. She didn’t pick up so I left a message. That was yesterday, I haven’t heard back yet.

Women are emotional creatures. It could be anything. It sounds like she does like you so just be confident and relax.

Maybe she doesn’t want to appear too easy.

She wants to make sure you are really interested in her and not just hooking up. A lot of men will have just want to have sex.

If she makes sure you are really hanging around it shows you really do care about her as a person. If it was just sex, you would probably give up easier.

 A lot of times, women want to make sure you’re really interested before they commit to liking you.

They want to know a man is invested in her. Biologically they have a lot more at risk. If they get pregnant and the guy isn’t attached. She has to raise this child by herself.

Here are some other reasons women play hard to get.

It tests a man to see how he will react. She wants to see how you might handle challenging behavior. Will you get angry? Will you freak out? If so, she knows you are not internally confident and secure and she can weed you out right away.

Think about it from an investment standpoint. If all she has to do is wait an extra day to see what kind of a man you are, wouldn’t it be worth that 24 hours. It could save her 6 months of getting to know you.

 Here are some tips to look for: You want to learn how to read her signals of interest.

 Is there another guy in the picture? Is she me blowing me off or playing hard to get?

If she’s busy but she has an opening? How long are her text messages to you?

If you call and she doesn’t pick up. She may not call back right away but she texts back and explains why she can’t pick up.

Flirts and then pulls away. She talks about other guys to make you jealous. To see if you’re interested.

So you have to understand just because a woman takes her time getting back to you, it doesn’t necessarily mean she doesn’t like you. She might like you a lot and she wants to keep you around.

Don’t worry about all the details or what a woman does – just keep moving things forward with confidence.

Even if her interest level seems a little bit low, lower your interest level, when you guys get in touch, ask her for a date and gauge her interest level.